The Art Of Friendship

  “Friends are the family we choose for ourselves”

Friendship was never easy for me when I was younger. Although I longed for genuine connection, it never came easily for me.  I think part of the reason was that I was a people pleaser and shape shifted myself in different situations to “fit in”.  As a young woman and “party girl” I wasn’t really clear on what my values were. I wanted to belong, to be liked, to be part of the fun. I would never speak up if I disagreed with something. I stayed silent and agreeable to keep the peace.

It is natural that our friendships will change over time, as we move through the different  seasons of our lives. Some will stand the test of time and some will naturally fall away. This is normal. It is also normal to feel grief and sadness when friendships end. This year I have experienced this first hand as a long term friendship has ended as I realised that our values are no longer aligned.

The more I reflect on friendship, the more it becomes clear to me that the friendships that last are the ones where truth, mutual respect and shared values form the foundation.

Most of my deepest connections have come in my later years, as I’ve become more myself.  I have also become much more discerning and value “quality” over quantity.  Fewer friendships, but ones  that feel real and reciprocal. I’d rather walk closely with a few who truly see me and understand me than stretch myself thin trying to belong everywhere.

I have written these 10 Tenets of Friendship as guiding truths  - to help me stay aligned with my values and to keep choosing depth, honesty, and care in the relationships I hold close. The word tenet comes from the Latin tenure, meaning “to hold.” 

These 10 tenets of friendship are the principles I choose.

1. Shared Values

We definitely don’t need to be identical, but we need to share the same moral compass. Integrity, kindness, respect for others - alignment in the way we walk through the world -this matters to me. 

2. Honest Communication (even when it’s hard)

Friendship can’t survive silence, avoidance, resentment or pretending everything’s fine when it doesn’t feel that way. I value people who can name the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. A difficult conversation held with love, deepens trust.

3. Integrity

Say what you mean. Do what you say. Own your stuff. That’s it.

4. Generosity Of Heart And Spirit

Generosity isn’t just about giving things, it’s about the energy we bring. A generous friend celebrates your joy, your successes and doesn’t keep score. They want good things for you even when life feels uneven.

5. Reciprocity

Friendship does not survive on one-way energy. It’s the natural rhythm of giving and receiving that keeps it alive. Care must flow both ways.

6. A Good Sense Of Humour And Must Like Having Fun

Laughter is necessary. I need to be able to laugh and be silly with my friends - it’s my nature. If we can’t find humour in the absurdity of life, we’re talking ourselves too seriously.

Fun keeps friendship fresh. Whether it’s dancing, making art or belly laughs over nothing - I want friends that I can play with.

7. Kindness And Compassion And Fairness

Kindness is the heartbeat of true friendship. Compassion invites us to look beyond our own perspective and to see the world through another’s eyes. It also helps to soften judgement and seeing things as wrong or right. 

Kindness and compassion grow trust and where trust grows, friendship becomes a place of restoration rather than depletion.

8.  Emotional Maturity

We all have our triggers, but emotional maturity means being aware of them and willing to repair when we make a misstep. Friendship thrives in the presence of self awareness and the ability to take accountability and responsibility for our emotional stuff.

9. Reliability

Being dependable is up there for me. I value friends who show up - who text back, who pick up the phone to say hello, who meet me in person, who keep their word and are there when it matters. Reliability builds safety, safety builds depth.

10.  Freedom And Respect For Space

Friendships should honor individuality. We don't need to be in constant contact to feel close. There’s trust in the space between, and the understanding that love and care for each other doesn’t disappear when life gets busy.

In the end, real friendship should feel reciprocal, nourishing and uplifting filled with laughter, truth, respect, integrity and time.

It’s not built on drama or convenience but on genuine care.

May these 10 tenets be my compass for every friendship I choose in my life.