Let's Talk About Expectations!

Over the last few weeks in our mindfulness group, we’ve been exploring the meaning of expectations.

As human beings, expectations are normal.  

We all have them. They are not wrong. They are human.

They show us what we care about and value. They often point toward longing - for connection, fairness, respect and recognition.

The problem isn’t that we have expectations but that they are often invisible, unspoken or unrealistic.

Brene Brown calls them “stealth expectations.”

These are the ones we don’t name or communicate or sometimes even realise that we are carrying.

A lot of our stress and disappointment doesn’t come from what happens. It comes from what we expected to happen - that didn’t. 

We expected:

* A message back

* A thank you

* Support

* Consideration

* Integrity

* Transparency 

And when our expectations are not met we feel it as heaviness, over-thinking, rumination, or resentment. Sometimes we withdraw and avoid people and situations and tend to take it very personally.

But quite often our expectations are unconscious, unexpressed, or unrealistic.  And when they live in the unconscious, they end up running the show.

Without conscious awareness, expectations can turn into unhelpful stories such as:

* I don’t matter

* They don’t care

* I’m not important 

* No one shows up for me 

This is where mindfulness practice and self awareness become powerful. Naming and understanding our expectations is part of consciousness work.

One of the practices I teach is called the 3-Step Pause 

1. Notice

Notice when you feel activated, tight, defensive or disappointed.

 Pause long enough to notice that something got touched.

2. Name

Ask yourself:

What was I expecting?

Was I expecting:

* Them to read my mind

* A certain outcome?

* Effort without communication?

Naming the expectation shifts it from unconscious reaction to conscious awareness.

3. Choose

Once named, you can ask yourself:

* Does this expectation need adjustment? 

* Does it need communication? Do i need to tell them what I need or want?

* Do I need to release it?

This 3-step pause widens the space between trigger and response.

Expectations are not just thoughts - they can show up in the body before we can understand them in the mind - and when they are unmet, they can show up as tightness, heat, withdrawal and collapse. The body doesn’t lie. For me it shows up as an “off” feeling in my gut.  

So when something shows up in the body (before the mind) we can stop and ask ourselves:

What was I expecting here?

Because expectations show us what matters to us and when we bring them into our awareness with curiosity, not judgement , we understand ourselves more deeply.

And that is mindfulness in action.

If these explorations and practices are interesting to you, and you would like to be part of our conscious community please join us on the mat for our Mindfulness class - Monday evenings 6.15-7.15pm.

We look forward to welcoming you.