Would You Choose Yourself As A Friend?

Over the past six months or so I have come to the hard realisation that some of the friendships in my life are not what I thought they were. That really they were not reciprocal and they didn't rest on shared values.

I started questioning myself and wondering whether it was me - maybe my expectations were too high or I was too needy or that I was doing something wrong?

I started to explore this question with my psychologist and she asked me a question that I really didn't expect.

She asked me “Would you choose yourself as a friend?”

And I was pretty quick to respond with an absolute yes.  I would love to have “me” as a friend.

Then she asked me:

“What qualities would you like if you chose yourself as a friend?”

These were my answers( in order of what sprung to mind):

I’m fun

I’m kind

I’m genuine

I’m honest 

I’m thoughtful

I’m trustworthy 

I’m generous

I’m curious

I like to help others - I don’t just think about myself  

I’m cheeky

I love learning 

I show up

I lead by my values 

I’m consistent and reliable 

Completing this exercise helped me shift the narrative from “why don’t they choose me’ to “I choose me” and it helped me to re-frame the self-questioning and doubt I was having around this.

When I thought about the people I admire most - the one’s I feel comfortable and most-myself with - they hold the same values I named in myself.

I have also come to realise that not every friendship is meant to last forever and that sometimes we outgrow each other or our circumstances change and our lives grow in different directions.

In life there will be people who don’t choose you for whatever reason - different values, different depth, different capacity - whatever it is, it does not mean there is anything wrong with you.

The main thing is that “I would choose me” and that sets the foundation and compass for all the friendships that I choose in my life.